Firsts of all First

Many would have said that firsts are and will always be remarkable. The firsts would set the standards. The firsts will be the first.

The Imus Institute Cultural Exchange Student Program in Thailand (part of the institution’s preparation programs for ASEAN integration) last May-June 2014 was the best time of my college years. It has brought me so much emotion especially joy and excitement. I’m sure that a lot of people would want to switch places to mine but I won’t. I won’t trade anything in the world to what had transpired me in those times. And now one year had past, looking on its third batch is bittersweet. It feels so fresh, like it happened just yesterday.

The feeling of a first-timer who happened to be a chance passenger for the first time, the first-timer who freaked out when she found no luggage at her hand and realized it was checked-in, the first-timer who sat alone on the plane feeling all nervous.

The first step out of a plane finally in Thailand and seeing the most marvelous Bangkok Airport, the double decked air-con bus,the 5-hour drive to Phitsanulok and the worry we carried because some of us are left behind.

The feeling of finally stepping on the 507.56 acres Naresuan University, the dorm, the towel/blanket/dress, the split-type air-con, the unbelievably large lizards, the scorching weather, strong rains at night, several skype calls, the impalpable martial law, the buddies, the motorcycle of our buddies, famous omelette stores, the 7-11 stores and coffee shop every corner, Coffee Space, Betagen, Lays, Mama, the convenience of laundry works, the most inexplicable feeling riding a motorcycle by four, different dinner menu every night, smirnoff vodka, videoke nights, riding the wrong e-bus to classes and getting late, the green bikes, the olympic-sized university pool, street foods, street fruits, night markets, losing slippers, forgetting about wearing bra, oc boy roommates, sober late night talks, sleepless nights, the fastest internet connection I’ve ever experienced, pesky insects of all kinds flying all over, bidets, the large frog at the shower, tuktuk, visiting majestic temples, lighting incense, cheap good food, the truly comforting comfort rooms, some food that really challenged my stomach, feeding fishes, eating the food for feeding fishes, crying after feeding fishes, my crying habit, my sleeping habit, my yawning habit, the songs Daylight, Huling Sayaw, Laging Naroon Ka, Piliin mo ang Pilipinas, Yoo dtor loey dai mai, Your heart for my Number and Dok Salou, Circle dance, Happy dance, Sukhothai Historical Park, my first swimsuit, spices, the how-the-hell-happened-three-minute bath and getting dressed, planting a tree, Hearing the Sunshine, first-time-in-forever yoga class and sleeping after it, the unexpected calls from mother nature, witnessing most vulnerable moments as well as my own, the blusterous overnight of fun with our buddies, the cooking show, the aftermath dinner of the cooking show, dogs that seldom barks, close encounter to elephants, the largest Krabak tree in Thailand: its way down and seemingly unending and tiresome couple of hours way up, slugs, superb fog, losing all my money and passport, Philippine Embassy at Bangkok and Bangkok taxi.

The feeling of the first-timer leaving the place of her many firsts, giving tightest hug she could ever give, sobbing worse than a kid, the piercing melancholy seeing them leave, the hefty steps I grieve and tears my eyes could never halt.

To everything that has happened:

To you who stalked my social media posts and deliberately broadcast it blow by blow to every person you talk to.

To you who followed this blog and made everybody know what’s in it which I do mind because I do and that was just so off.

To you who made me feel like I’m your little sister, that you would only mean good to me, that you were always there for me, that you care, news flash you really don’t.

To you who post every second of your life but didn’t bother me because I knew it wouldn’t be you if not but you don’t even know how to return the favor.

To you whom I didn’t do anything wrong and then suddenly considered me dead because I hurt your friend and when anyone hurt your friend you’d be so much hurt too. News flash for me, all this time I thought I was also your friend.

To you who were so bitter to things transpired and caused the chaos to my life.

To you who listed all my flaws and lapses and everything you’ve done for me just to win that argument.

To you who raised your hands down, turned your back and hid your face when asked if you were my friend.

To you who’d been with me after I woke up from a three-hour sleep at the gymnasium because I was alone.

To you who’d seen my ugliest state in tears but never left me.

To you whom I thought really understands me but just left me hanging when things don’t work out for you.

To you who would just hug me and tell me it’ll all be alright.

To you who would always listen and loves me no matter what.

To you who just let me cried that night and never bothered asking. I’m not sure if it’s because you knew I wouldn’t tell or you are just waiting me to tell you.

To you who challenged me to make wiser decisions because you knew so much better.

To you who may not know anything but still have the power to cheer me up and smile.

Whichever shoe fits, wear and lace it up. Thank you, thank you for teaching me lessons I never would have learned without you. Today, I am far from being good but I am better now and I will be better each day. Time will come things will get to the way it has to be and I am a customer, willing to wait.

It is Valentine’s Day and I am happy

“Thank you, God!”

I uttered as I walked home from a thank-goodness-non-cliche V-day date. I felt my heart becoming fluffy and light, thanks to the gentle rain this evening though. No, seriously.

I came from a nearby fast food after one frustrating exam on Taxation. I was on a planned date but with plus. I was with two more persons, since we’ve already planned this, on our V-day date table. In front of us was two orders of BFF fries, a choco mousse cake, soda & ice cream and bunchy stories. We have thrown each others our life views and accounts for several hours (if 5 hours could still be considered as several) I guess.

Aside from eating, I really enjoy talking a lot. Maybe because I am really loquacious plus I tend to express myself well through talking. And today I talked endless and restless yet I felt really, really happy. I can feel eyes sparkle every single time I listen to the stories laid on our table. And none of us seems to be bothered of the time because we have so much to tell. I really enjoyed tonight.

Thanks to Raymond, Ayra and Russel for giving me so much to remember this year’s Valentine’s day. xoxo.

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November Baby

I’m turning twenty! Things had changed tremendously, dramatically and profusely. I wonder if the three words I’ve used are all the same. It’s funny that I did not actually filled this blog every moment that had happened to me in the previous years but still its good to look back to the things that was told here. Not to brag about the whole thing but I knew I’ve matured. I became more aware, way more observant than ever, has better self control, I think a lot and I’ve always wanted to speak my mind. I wanted to try things, to prove everyone everything, I know I’m becoming more idealistic but I still love to be real and natural, I have tried different make-ups on, mascara, lipstick and gloss, blush on, eye liner, I have read many stories, I conquered some things which I never thought of crossing, I’m learning to be on my own, I have appreciated myself more, I have gained a lot of new friends, I have figured out my wants and many more.

I can’t remember where I wrote this or to whom I said it before that my birthday is most favorite day of the year and I still don’t know why. Be it wrapped in a red ribbon or not, my birthday will be my most special day of the year. But still, I never like to tell it to everybody for reason. Say I’m impossible but I don’t want people to greet me just because they’ve seen it on facebook reminder. I want them to remember my birthday because I’m important to them

I just want this entry to express what I’m feeling. That right now I am missing that tingling feeling of being in love, I’m missing holding hands with the guy I am dating, I missed long conversations, I missed everything I have to experience in a relationship. I kinda felt shit when I knew about my ex trying to court my best friend whom he used to court before meeting and knowing me. I felt like “ARE YOU FVCKING KIDDING ME?” I have to be honest because one way or another this has to be me. It’s just like she knew all my  ex’s shits about me and then like she’s asking me to be okay to that idea. Hello girl, that is an unwritten girls’ code to never date your best friend’s ex, duh. I felt betrayed, seriously, by my best friend.

I just thought that I’m nearly losing my sweet bones that I’m becoming a more of a heart-guarded person, that the person who will try to destroy that would not get through it easily. It is my kind of defense mechanism, to guard my heart, to filter it from hurt and love and appreciation, to protect my own heart from breaking. But I guess I just answered my question. I am guilty, I am guarding my heart tightly to any possible love I could feel because I became more afraid of greater rejections.

But sure as I am he will be all worth it when the time comes and I will be worth his too!

Heartbreak After Heartbreak

August 3, 2014. I never expected this day would be the day it turned out to be. Yesterday we went for swimming and I was so pissed off for reasons. I was tired, I was agitated and the hollow hole I was feeling in my heart was still there.

Bee woke me up early for church because she was invited to and I don’t want her to go alone. We got back home for Kik, went to SM for God knows the reason and I went back home again for their IDs and then back again to ride going to Star City.

And then I found myself alone. I was left alone by my buddy. I felt a stinging hurt. I wanted to be mad all over but I don’t find it reasonable enough. I am not that selfish. So I just let myself feel the enjoyment the amusement park brings until its last minute.

I was losing myself, I forgotten who I was then until our ride home. I just got back (right there on my tiny space to sit) to myself. Here I am again falling so deeply for a man who’ll never be mine. Yes. I love him. I was staring at him asleep, wishing I was the one who was sitting beside him, hoping for him to feel just an inch the same of me. Heartbreaking? Indeed yes.

I felt so tired the moment we stepped home, I suddenly felt my need for bed to rest. I was lying down silently upset when Bee started playing a song, Sometimes Love just ain’t Enough. It burst my bubble, it was overflowing, I can’t even contain it, I felt the need to release it so I asked her, “Bee, is Nheslyn upstairs?” she uttered “I don’t know” but still I got up to look for Nheslyn and luckily I found her lying down on the bed and I hugged her crying. I was crying helplessly, I hated myself for crying because it was no use, I was crying because I was crying for no reason. Maybe it has but WTF, I’m crying for a committed man, who is sinfully in love with his girlfriend living with him at dorm back home and whom he plans future with.

I knew it. I love him and I am such a moron. I know, I know. I have and I have already listed many reasons in my mind to not like him rather love him but still, here I am, loving him, feeling heart broken and standing still.

I remembered our ride home from our last province tour in Thailand, Benedict was crying rather wallowing about us leaving our buddies. Then, I was there in his shoulders with my tears running down quietly, I was leaning onto him and not moving. He told me that he had only two moments he let himself cried. First was for the death of  his father  and the second one was of his aunt’s death and he thinks that he will have his third when I leave Thailand.

He did not cried. He didn’t. Instead his third time happened on their departure from Philippines. I was never planning to cry on the airport that day, that I’m sure I built my wall strong enough for this moment but I knew I’m wrong when I saw him crying and I knew it wasn’t for me.

Why it have to be me and again? Can’t it be some other else? Why is everybody around me were happy? I’m just wondering if when will the time come that I will experience it first hand, that kind of love? When?