To everything that has happened:

To you who stalked my social media posts and deliberately broadcast it blow by blow to every person you talk to.

To you who followed this blog and made everybody know what’s in it which I do mind because I do and that was just so off.

To you who made me feel like I’m your little sister, that you would only mean good to me, that you were always there for me, that you care, news flash you really don’t.

To you who post every second of your life but didn’t bother me because I knew it wouldn’t be you if not but you don’t even know how to return the favor.

To you whom I didn’t do anything wrong and then suddenly considered me dead because I hurt your friend and when anyone hurt your friend you’d be so much hurt too. News flash for me, all this time I thought I was also your friend.

To you who were so bitter to things transpired and caused the chaos to my life.

To you who listed all my flaws and lapses and everything you’ve done for me just to win that argument.

To you who raised your hands down, turned your back and hid your face when asked if you were my friend.

To you who’d been with me after I woke up from a three-hour sleep at the gymnasium because I was alone.

To you who’d seen my ugliest state in tears but never left me.

To you whom I thought really understands me but just left me hanging when things don’t work out for you.

To you who would just hug me and tell me it’ll all be alright.

To you who would always listen and loves me no matter what.

To you who just let me cried that night and never bothered asking. I’m not sure if it’s because you knew I wouldn’t tell or you are just waiting me to tell you.

To you who challenged me to make wiser decisions because you knew so much better.

To you who may not know anything but still have the power to cheer me up and smile.

Whichever shoe fits, wear and lace it up. Thank you, thank you for teaching me lessons I never would have learned without you. Today, I am far from being good but I am better now and I will be better each day. Time will come things will get to the way it has to be and I am a customer, willing to wait.

So Messed Up

My life is a mess right now.

All my energy are getting used up every fucking day. I am tired physically, mentally and emotionally. I am suffering from pain that nobody would’ve understand. These past few days have been so hard and inexplicably painful for me. I had my fair share of pain but this one’s different, different that I can’t just put it into words. I have been dealing to million possible things running in my mind and it is exasperating.

A friend, one of the closest to my heart, had cost me everything. The reason? It is because I am senior to her, that I am part of a certain peer group as well as her and that she is having the time of her life moving on from a heartbreak. I feel like I’ve been robbed and ambushed and played and stabbed and cheated, I feel everything and it’s so ridiculous. I feel disgusted actually that after everything that I did for her I’ve got nothing in return but this.

We were in the same school organization and that creates the conflict, we were all in it, her, her ex and me. Funny it was to think, that the guy she’s jealous for was actually her ex-boyfriend and for Pete’s sake is my friend. Our folks “mediated” over the issue and took sides and so I left.

I left not because I was not sided but because I knew I did not do anything wrong, not because I am guilty of a crime but because they won’t listen, not because I want to but because I knew I am unwanted. Now, it’s not as easy as I would have it but I can get through. I will because I can and I can do it alone. I don’t need pity or sympathy or anything. And I’m sure as hell this too shall pass and I will be thankful because I’ve come to know who truly my friends are.

Heartbreak After Heartbreak

August 3, 2014. I never expected this day would be the day it turned out to be. Yesterday we went for swimming and I was so pissed off for reasons. I was tired, I was agitated and the hollow hole I was feeling in my heart was still there.

Bee woke me up early for church because she was invited to and I don’t want her to go alone. We got back home for Kik, went to SM for God knows the reason and I went back home again for their IDs and then back again to ride going to Star City.

And then I found myself alone. I was left alone by my buddy. I felt a stinging hurt. I wanted to be mad all over but I don’t find it reasonable enough. I am not that selfish. So I just let myself feel the enjoyment the amusement park brings until its last minute.

I was losing myself, I forgotten who I was then until our ride home. I just got back (right there on my tiny space to sit) to myself. Here I am again falling so deeply for a man who’ll never be mine. Yes. I love him. I was staring at him asleep, wishing I was the one who was sitting beside him, hoping for him to feel just an inch the same of me. Heartbreaking? Indeed yes.

I felt so tired the moment we stepped home, I suddenly felt my need for bed to rest. I was lying down silently upset when Bee started playing a song, Sometimes Love just ain’t Enough. It burst my bubble, it was overflowing, I can’t even contain it, I felt the need to release it so I asked her, “Bee, is Nheslyn upstairs?” she uttered “I don’t know” but still I got up to look for Nheslyn and luckily I found her lying down on the bed and I hugged her crying. I was crying helplessly, I hated myself for crying because it was no use, I was crying because I was crying for no reason. Maybe it has but WTF, I’m crying for a committed man, who is sinfully in love with his girlfriend living with him at dorm back home and whom he plans future with.

I knew it. I love him and I am such a moron. I know, I know. I have and I have already listed many reasons in my mind to not like him rather love him but still, here I am, loving him, feeling heart broken and standing still.

I remembered our ride home from our last province tour in Thailand, Benedict was crying rather wallowing about us leaving our buddies. Then, I was there in his shoulders with my tears running down quietly, I was leaning onto him and not moving. He told me that he had only two moments he let himself cried. First was for the death of  his father  and the second one was of his aunt’s death and he thinks that he will have his third when I leave Thailand.

He did not cried. He didn’t. Instead his third time happened on their departure from Philippines. I was never planning to cry on the airport that day, that I’m sure I built my wall strong enough for this moment but I knew I’m wrong when I saw him crying and I knew it wasn’t for me.

Why it have to be me and again? Can’t it be some other else? Why is everybody around me were happy? I’m just wondering if when will the time come that I will experience it first hand, that kind of love? When?