Maiming over and never

It hurt. It still hurts.

For such countless times I heard myself said that God has still been good for giving me several people I can call home even outside of it. Friends I can be siblings with and teachers who are great second mothers/ fathers because I can’t even call home, a home. It’s empty. It is null or just maybe, me. It would sound so cliché but I don’t have a perfect family, bet nobody else does and neither am the favorite child. My life actually sucks and it sucked even more now.

I understand that things have to happen the way they should be so there came my circles tumbling down, all the ships I built has been on a major iceberg and sunk deep on the ice-cold ocean and the best part of it, those homes I put myself onto was badly wrecked and demolished.

Then I was there, alone. No one was there but me. Oh so fucking alone. I did not believed that for one second but putangina. I had friends in and out of that organization and I had always put them first. I had always thought of you first before my being because that was one of the things I’ve learned there and for some reason when it was my turn to be understood and put first nobody dared to stand up with and/or for me. Every single head I had put first took their heads down and backs away from me, away from any disaster, away from any issue or just away.

No one was there.

And I found myself weeping again for those things. Some would say that those were petty things but no, it was huge and enormous, bigger than big. The life I thought all along was happy and okay was shallow and pretentious. My life turned upside down, walls stood taller than Trojan walls. I was……changed.

But I am on my way there, maybe not too close but closer than ten months ago. As impatient I can be, I tend to stop for awhile to weep and whine but guess what I have no plans on going back. Lonely as I maybe but I learned fondness being on that state, being on my own.

And for that I wanted to thank some stubborn people who stayed since then, also, for people stopped by to ask how am I doing. I really am grateful for that. I also want to apologize, for people I hurt while I’m hurting, truly.

This year has not ended yet but I am ending all these negativities. I choose to go on and just charge it to experience. I claim this year 2016 will be another spectacular chapter and is about to unfold before me. Happy New Year!!

Take me back to Z

There will have to be a first time in everything.

Travel solo? Intimidating  Terrifying  Worth a penny 

I’ve consulted some people and thought of this trip countless times since I was into strict saving money program for Thailand. I am so into this which I cannot also explain so I signed up, I paid and poof! A surreal weekend ever happened.

Pops had to send me to our meet up and waited for me for our departure (so sweet!). I sat on the fourth row, little less wobbly, with no seat-mate but this couldn’t discourage me from hoping I would meet someone there perhaps. I fell asleep — obviously because I didn’t sleep just to get early. Bus ride was quite long and we’re quite late (but all okay) and finally after four long hours I met Liwliwa, Zambales.

Like everyone who’s solo and first timer would do, I go with the flow, from registrations then to our hostel. I was not expecting something extravagant, I just want a breather, the smell of the sea salt, the sound of waves, the feel of sand in my feet, a place where I can go without anyone watching me, people who wouldn’t overcrowd me, a place where being light and happy is normal, a place where people won’t care if you’re sane or not and lucky enough I was at all places at a time.

I want to thank you for spending the weekend with me, for keeping me company, for having meals with me, for looking far at my silver lining, for fearlessly sharing your thoughts and stories, for asking mind boggling questions (HAHAHA), for the comfortable silence, for your funny moments while getting drunk on “tito” beer, for being at the little part left to “generally”, thank you Ram! You have made this trip so much special.

Sad as it ended so soon and the separation anxiety stings, this will not be the last. This will be a prologue, a one great milestone on fulfilling my dreams. The start of much more wonderful adventures I wanted to happen to me.

🙂

Z

To everything that has happened:

To you who stalked my social media posts and deliberately broadcast it blow by blow to every person you talk to.

To you who followed this blog and made everybody know what’s in it which I do mind because I do and that was just so off.

To you who made me feel like I’m your little sister, that you would only mean good to me, that you were always there for me, that you care, news flash you really don’t.

To you who post every second of your life but didn’t bother me because I knew it wouldn’t be you if not but you don’t even know how to return the favor.

To you whom I didn’t do anything wrong and then suddenly considered me dead because I hurt your friend and when anyone hurt your friend you’d be so much hurt too. News flash for me, all this time I thought I was also your friend.

To you who were so bitter to things transpired and caused the chaos to my life.

To you who listed all my flaws and lapses and everything you’ve done for me just to win that argument.

To you who raised your hands down, turned your back and hid your face when asked if you were my friend.

To you who’d been with me after I woke up from a three-hour sleep at the gymnasium because I was alone.

To you who’d seen my ugliest state in tears but never left me.

To you whom I thought really understands me but just left me hanging when things don’t work out for you.

To you who would just hug me and tell me it’ll all be alright.

To you who would always listen and loves me no matter what.

To you who just let me cried that night and never bothered asking. I’m not sure if it’s because you knew I wouldn’t tell or you are just waiting me to tell you.

To you who challenged me to make wiser decisions because you knew so much better.

To you who may not know anything but still have the power to cheer me up and smile.

Whichever shoe fits, wear and lace it up. Thank you, thank you for teaching me lessons I never would have learned without you. Today, I am far from being good but I am better now and I will be better each day. Time will come things will get to the way it has to be and I am a customer, willing to wait.