Maiming over and never

It hurt. It still hurts.

For such countless times I heard myself said that God has still been good for giving me several people I can call home even outside of it. Friends I can be siblings with and teachers who are great second mothers/ fathers because I can’t even call home, a home. It’s empty. It is null or just maybe, me. It would sound so cliché but I don’t have a perfect family, bet nobody else does and neither am the favorite child. My life actually sucks and it sucked even more now.

I understand that things have to happen the way they should be so there came my circles tumbling down, all the ships I built has been on a major iceberg and sunk deep on the ice-cold ocean and the best part of it, those homes I put myself onto was badly wrecked and demolished.

Then I was there, alone. No one was there but me. Oh so fucking alone. I did not believed that for one second but putangina. I had friends in and out of that organization and I had always put them first. I had always thought of you first before my being because that was one of the things I’ve learned there and for some reason when it was my turn to be understood and put first nobody dared to stand up with and/or for me. Every single head I had put first took their heads down and backs away from me, away from any disaster, away from any issue or just away.

No one was there.

And I found myself weeping again for those things. Some would say that those were petty things but no, it was huge and enormous, bigger than big. The life I thought all along was happy and okay was shallow and pretentious. My life turned upside down, walls stood taller than Trojan walls. I was……changed.

But I am on my way there, maybe not too close but closer than ten months ago. As impatient I can be, I tend to stop for awhile to weep and whine but guess what I have no plans on going back. Lonely as I maybe but I learned fondness being on that state, being on my own.

And for that I wanted to thank some stubborn people who stayed since then, also, for people stopped by to ask how am I doing. I really am grateful for that. I also want to apologize, for people I hurt while I’m hurting, truly.

This year has not ended yet but I am ending all these negativities. I choose to go on and just charge it to experience. I claim this year 2016 will be another spectacular chapter and is about to unfold before me. Happy New Year!!

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21ST EVE

I was so excited today because one, I won tickets to advanced screening of a movie I truly love, the last sequel to The Hunger Games, Mockingjay Part 2. Two, to the adventures I will take because I am going alone and three, today was my twenty-first birthday eve.

I still went to office which I regret for one second because I was stuck two hours on traffic and numerous red lights but I still got in, just in time. I bought a burger (for my lunch and dinner) and hot chocolate from Starbucks (because my head was throbbing like hell). Inside the cinema, they (ETC) held a little program and gave away some prices, happy enough, I got one too!

The movie got me so terrified, as usual, and got me screaming and realized on the latter part that I was the only one screaming AF. Sorry for being such a spoiler for those who won’t read the book but yes, Prim died, right in front of Katniss Everdeen’s eyes and don’t worry you’ll never be alone on being emotional, I cried AAMOF. Anyway, the movie ended so soon, goosebumps were still there yet, teary-eyed and feeling all over. Ughh, gonna be missing this.

I walked towards the terminal and got to the bus immediately and me was like counting down minutes before tomorrow. Today, I was really happy probably, my day. Hopefully, the next day too, birthday!

Take me back to Z

There will have to be a first time in everything.

Travel solo? Intimidating  Terrifying  Worth a penny 

I’ve consulted some people and thought of this trip countless times since I was into strict saving money program for Thailand. I am so into this which I cannot also explain so I signed up, I paid and poof! A surreal weekend ever happened.

Pops had to send me to our meet up and waited for me for our departure (so sweet!). I sat on the fourth row, little less wobbly, with no seat-mate but this couldn’t discourage me from hoping I would meet someone there perhaps. I fell asleep — obviously because I didn’t sleep just to get early. Bus ride was quite long and we’re quite late (but all okay) and finally after four long hours I met Liwliwa, Zambales.

Like everyone who’s solo and first timer would do, I go with the flow, from registrations then to our hostel. I was not expecting something extravagant, I just want a breather, the smell of the sea salt, the sound of waves, the feel of sand in my feet, a place where I can go without anyone watching me, people who wouldn’t overcrowd me, a place where being light and happy is normal, a place where people won’t care if you’re sane or not and lucky enough I was at all places at a time.

I want to thank you for spending the weekend with me, for keeping me company, for having meals with me, for looking far at my silver lining, for fearlessly sharing your thoughts and stories, for asking mind boggling questions (HAHAHA), for the comfortable silence, for your funny moments while getting drunk on “tito” beer, for being at the little part left to “generally”, thank you Ram! You have made this trip so much special.

Sad as it ended so soon and the separation anxiety stings, this will not be the last. This will be a prologue, a one great milestone on fulfilling my dreams. The start of much more wonderful adventures I wanted to happen to me.

🙂

Z

Read This If There’s Someone You Can’t Forgive

This is now totally totally me.

Thought Catalog

Luis HernandezLuis Hernandez

I hate every cliché that exists about forgiveness.

I know every adage, every piece of advice, every regularly endorsed opinion on the topic because I’ve scoured my way through the literature. I’ve read every blog post about letting go of anger. I’ve written down Buddha quotes and stuck them on post-its to my wall. I know that no part of it is simple. I know the adages are tired. I know the gap between “Deciding to forgive” and actually feeling peace can seem entirely unbridgeable. I know.

Forgiveness is a vast, un-traversable land for those of us who crave justice. The very thought of letting someone walk away scot-free from what they’ve done makes us sick. We don’t want to simply wipe our hands clean. We want to transfer the blood onto to theirs. We want to see the scores evened and the playing field leveled. We want…

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To everything that has happened:

To you who stalked my social media posts and deliberately broadcast it blow by blow to every person you talk to.

To you who followed this blog and made everybody know what’s in it which I do mind because I do and that was just so off.

To you who made me feel like I’m your little sister, that you would only mean good to me, that you were always there for me, that you care, news flash you really don’t.

To you who post every second of your life but didn’t bother me because I knew it wouldn’t be you if not but you don’t even know how to return the favor.

To you whom I didn’t do anything wrong and then suddenly considered me dead because I hurt your friend and when anyone hurt your friend you’d be so much hurt too. News flash for me, all this time I thought I was also your friend.

To you who were so bitter to things transpired and caused the chaos to my life.

To you who listed all my flaws and lapses and everything you’ve done for me just to win that argument.

To you who raised your hands down, turned your back and hid your face when asked if you were my friend.

To you who’d been with me after I woke up from a three-hour sleep at the gymnasium because I was alone.

To you who’d seen my ugliest state in tears but never left me.

To you whom I thought really understands me but just left me hanging when things don’t work out for you.

To you who would just hug me and tell me it’ll all be alright.

To you who would always listen and loves me no matter what.

To you who just let me cried that night and never bothered asking. I’m not sure if it’s because you knew I wouldn’t tell or you are just waiting me to tell you.

To you who challenged me to make wiser decisions because you knew so much better.

To you who may not know anything but still have the power to cheer me up and smile.

Whichever shoe fits, wear and lace it up. Thank you, thank you for teaching me lessons I never would have learned without you. Today, I am far from being good but I am better now and I will be better each day. Time will come things will get to the way it has to be and I am a customer, willing to wait.

That Baguio Escape

#THATBAGUIOESCAPE – This was originally written for a reaction paper for our educational tour. The City of Baguio is never peculiar to me because twenty years ago I was once there. Funny it is to say but I was made in Baguio just like any other delicacy from there. This tour will not be my first but I was so excited as always.This tour will be so short I thought and will be so exhausting and true enough, it was. But every downside has its goodness because personally I’d relish every moment this tour had brought me.

I don’t know why I’m feeling all agitated before our departure but I dismissed my frantic thoughts because we’d been blessed with a skilled and careful coach captain (driver). He and he’s caution while driving was also one of the reason why we’ve enjoy this trip.

February 27, We arrived at Baguio City before the sun rises and it was overwhelming, the fog, the coldness, and the stillness, all of it. At Burnham Park we bought time, we row a boat and went to visit Baguio Cathedral then we boarded at 7:00 AM for Philippine Military Academy (PMA) and our tour went over for the day. Second itinerary, Wright Park then went straight for picture taking at The Mansion. Third, at Mines View Park though we did not have time to see the view because at Good Shepherd Sisters, pasalubong buying made us so busy. Soon it was lunch time but we still have one itinerary left which is the Botanical Garden but we decided to skip it for early lunch. And then I slept, I woke up stuck in the traffic and we’re not even half near to SM City Baguio and it will be late for La Trinidad Strawberry farm and Eastern Weaving Room. So we all agreed to went straight Benguet then at 6:00 PM we began packing things up for Manila. But accidents happen accidentally so we got stuck at Leeza’s at Sison, Pangasinan to wait for them. But lucky we were, we went home to Cavite complete and bruise-less (physically, I think).

#THESTORYBEHINDSMILES

I don’t know but honestly it was half cooked, the enjoyment I mean. As much as possible, I try not to be too hard on myself. I smile for simple things, I laugh even on the silliest stuff, my heart beats fast with the sight of nature and creation and I can get too happy when people I love is happy.

But for the first time in my life, I felt insufficiency on myself because someone refused to be in my companion. It felt like a slap, seriously. I felt like having contagious disease, I felt ridiculous all the while, the entire trip. I felt pity for myself. Two consecutive field trips I had guy seatmates who were really bulky (HA HA!) I mean tall and very OC to tell you, but they did it, they never left me, never let me alone, they made me feel I was with them but with him? I don’t know which will I be more disappointed, either to myself or to the latter. I didn’t even plan to be his seatmate at all but I’ve seen the scenario out. Then at the bus, he told me he was not comfortable sitting, the space was too little, he wanted me to be comfortable having more space (meaning without a seatmate) etc. Then I thought he was as tall as my two former seatmates or maybe shorter than the two, he’s much skinnier and I am not big to occupy half the space but he still chose the center seat. I don’t know. I guess it could have been easier if he told me he doesn’t want me to be his seatmate, end of story.

#THERECOVERY

But the I knew everybody would have their own reasons for everything and letting everybody know is not really an obligation. My dilemma was a could-getover-would-getover situation, like I can live with that, its not a big deal. And that not all people will do as much as you did for them because they don’t have the same heart as you.

So Messed Up

My life is a mess right now.

All my energy are getting used up every fucking day. I am tired physically, mentally and emotionally. I am suffering from pain that nobody would’ve understand. These past few days have been so hard and inexplicably painful for me. I had my fair share of pain but this one’s different, different that I can’t just put it into words. I have been dealing to million possible things running in my mind and it is exasperating.

A friend, one of the closest to my heart, had cost me everything. The reason? It is because I am senior to her, that I am part of a certain peer group as well as her and that she is having the time of her life moving on from a heartbreak. I feel like I’ve been robbed and ambushed and played and stabbed and cheated, I feel everything and it’s so ridiculous. I feel disgusted actually that after everything that I did for her I’ve got nothing in return but this.

We were in the same school organization and that creates the conflict, we were all in it, her, her ex and me. Funny it was to think, that the guy she’s jealous for was actually her ex-boyfriend and for Pete’s sake is my friend. Our folks “mediated” over the issue and took sides and so I left.

I left not because I was not sided but because I knew I did not do anything wrong, not because I am guilty of a crime but because they won’t listen, not because I want to but because I knew I am unwanted. Now, it’s not as easy as I would have it but I can get through. I will because I can and I can do it alone. I don’t need pity or sympathy or anything. And I’m sure as hell this too shall pass and I will be thankful because I’ve come to know who truly my friends are.