Maiming over and never

It hurt. It still hurts.

For such countless times I heard myself said that God has still been good for giving me several people I can call home even outside of it. Friends I can be siblings with and teachers who are great second mothers/ fathers because I can’t even call home, a home. It’s empty. It is null or just maybe, me. It would sound so clichĂ© but I don’t have a perfect family, bet nobody else does and neither am the favorite child. My life actually sucks and it sucked even more now.

I understand that things have to happen the way they should be so there came my circles tumbling down, all the ships I built has been on a major iceberg and sunk deep on the ice-cold ocean and the best part of it, those homes I put myself onto was badly wrecked and demolished.

Then I was there, alone. No one was there but me. Oh so fucking alone. I did not believed that for one second but putangina. I had friends in and out of that organization and I had always put them first. I had always thought of you first before my being because that was one of the things I’ve learned there and for some reason when it was my turn to be understood and put first nobody dared to stand up with and/or for me. Every single head I had put first took their heads down and backs away from me, away from any disaster, away from any issue or just away.

No one was there.

And I found myself weeping again for those things. Some would say that those were petty things but no, it was huge and enormous, bigger than big. The life I thought all along was happy and okay was shallow and pretentious. My life turned upside down, walls stood taller than Trojan walls. I was……changed.

But I am on my way there, maybe not too close but closer than ten months ago. As impatient I can be, I tend to stop for awhile to weep and whine but guess what I have no plans on going back. Lonely as I maybe but I learned fondness being on that state, being on my own.

And for that I wanted to thank some stubborn people who stayed since then, also, for people stopped by to ask how am I doing. I really am grateful for that. I also want to apologize, for people I hurt while I’m hurting, truly.

This year has not ended yet but I am ending all these negativities. I choose to go on and just charge it to experience. I claim this year 2016 will be another spectacular chapter and is about to unfold before me. Happy New Year!!

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