November Baby

I’m turning twenty! Things had changed tremendously, dramatically and profusely. I wonder if the three words I’ve used are all the same. It’s funny that I did not actually filled this blog every moment that had happened to me in the previous years but still its good to look back to the things that was told here. Not to brag about the whole thing but I knew I’ve matured. I became more aware, way more observant than ever, has better self control, I think a lot and I’ve always wanted to speak my mind. I wanted to try things, to prove everyone everything, I know I’m becoming more idealistic but I still love to be real and natural, I have tried different make-ups on, mascara, lipstick and gloss, blush on, eye liner, I have read many stories, I conquered some things which I never thought of crossing, I’m learning to be on my own, I have appreciated myself more, I have gained a lot of new friends, I have figured out my wants and many more.

I can’t remember where I wrote this or to whom I said it before that my birthday is most favorite day of the year and I still don’t know why. Be it wrapped in a red ribbon or not, my birthday will be my most special day of the year. But still, I never like to tell it to everybody for reason. Say I’m impossible but I don’t want people to greet me just because they’ve seen it on facebook reminder. I want them to remember my birthday because I’m important to them

I just want this entry to express what I’m feeling. That right now I am missing that tingling feeling of being in love, I’m missing holding hands with the guy I am dating, I missed long conversations, I missed everything I have to experience in a relationship. I kinda felt shit when I knew about my ex trying to court my best friend whom he used to court before meeting and knowing me. I felt like “ARE YOU FVCKING KIDDING ME?” I have to be honest because one way or another this has to be me. It’s just like she knew all my  ex’s shits about me and then like she’s asking me to be okay to that idea. Hello girl, that is an unwritten girls’ code to never date your best friend’s ex, duh. I felt betrayed, seriously, by my best friend.

I just thought that I’m nearly losing my sweet bones that I’m becoming a more of a heart-guarded person, that the person who will try to destroy that would not get through it easily. It is my kind of defense mechanism, to guard my heart, to filter it from hurt and love and appreciation, to protect my own heart from breaking. But I guess I just answered my question. I am guilty, I am guarding my heart tightly to any possible love I could feel because I became more afraid of greater rejections.

But sure as I am he will be all worth it when the time comes and I will be worth his too!

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