August 3, 2014. I never expected this day would be the day it turned out to be. Yesterday we went for swimming and I was so pissed off for reasons. I was tired, I was agitated and the hollow hole I was feeling in my heart was still there.
Bee woke me up early for church because she was invited to and I don’t want her to go alone. We got back home for Kik, went to SM for God knows the reason and I went back home again for their IDs and then back again to ride going to Star City.
And then I found myself alone. I was left alone by my buddy. I felt a stinging hurt. I wanted to be mad all over but I don’t find it reasonable enough. I am not that selfish. So I just let myself feel the enjoyment the amusement park brings until its last minute.
I was losing myself, I forgotten who I was then until our ride home. I just got back (right there on my tiny space to sit) to myself. Here I am again falling so deeply for a man who’ll never be mine. Yes. I love him. I was staring at him asleep, wishing I was the one who was sitting beside him, hoping for him to feel just an inch the same of me. Heartbreaking? Indeed yes.
I felt so tired the moment we stepped home, I suddenly felt my need for bed to rest. I was lying down silently upset when Bee started playing a song, Sometimes Love just ain’t Enough. It burst my bubble, it was overflowing, I can’t even contain it, I felt the need to release it so I asked her, “Bee, is Nheslyn upstairs?” she uttered “I don’t know” but still I got up to look for Nheslyn and luckily I found her lying down on the bed and I hugged her crying. I was crying helplessly, I hated myself for crying because it was no use, I was crying because I was crying for no reason. Maybe it has but WTF, I’m crying for a committed man, who is sinfully in love with his girlfriend living with him at dorm back home and whom he plans future with.
I knew it. I love him and I am such a moron. I know, I know. I have and I have already listed many reasons in my mind to not like him rather love him but still, here I am, loving him, feeling heart broken and standing still.
I remembered our ride home from our last province tour in Thailand, Benedict was crying rather wallowing about us leaving our buddies. Then, I was there in his shoulders with my tears running down quietly, I was leaning onto him and not moving. He told me that he had only two moments he let himself cried. First was for the death of his father and the second one was of his aunt’s death and he thinks that he will have his third when I leave Thailand.
He did not cried. He didn’t. Instead his third time happened on their departure from Philippines. I was never planning to cry on the airport that day, that I’m sure I built my wall strong enough for this moment but I knew I’m wrong when I saw him crying and I knew it wasn’t for me.
Why it have to be me and again? Can’t it be some other else? Why is everybody around me were happy? I’m just wondering if when will the time come that I will experience it first hand, that kind of love? When?