“I’m tired of being sad. I’m tired of crying. I’m tired of feeling empty inside. I’m tired of feeling worthless. I’m tired of feeling stuck. I’m tired of feeling crazy. I’m tired of being alone. I’m tired of yelling. I’m tired of my pretending. I’m tired of dreaming of a life I will never have. I’m tired of missing things. I’m tired of remembering. I’m tired of wishing I could start all over. I’m tired of not being able to just let go. I’m tired of faking it. I’m tired of being different. I’m tired of being angry. I’m tired of needing help. I’m tired of always wondering when God is finally going to let me be happy. Most of all, I’m just tired. I’m just tired of being tired.”
I just can’t define exactly why I really felt so empty. I could just easily tell anybody how lonely I am, how sad I felt or how emotional I can get but the feeling was always there, it never left. It’s like a hollow space that I kept on wallowing whenever I’m alone. I guess I’m just so tired of being someone who’s worth will never gonna be, even a quarter, never. Tired of the one who’s never been good enough. I wanted it to be these and that and yet there’s none of it. All the things left out of the plans. The plans I’ve never thought of planning before because everything was laid for me noting that I didn’t even got the chance to choose. And then when everything’s fine and accepted, things did not work out just right. The moment I started plotting dreams from those plans laid for me that’s when every pieces fell out. But from there, I stood up and continued living the dream and then here I am again, left out. I had the most excruciating pain when they almost told me I am never-do-good, that I am just a boast, that why others can and I just can’t, that I am consistently compared to someone they knew was better on me. My parents which I idealistically thought that would cheer me up on my failure but instead mocked me and I felt nailed down deeper. I guess I just have to accept that I can never be good, even just good for them. And after all of that I turned to my favorite resort, my friends. I would always say that I have the best of them. And as the playful life desires, they all have a pack of personal problems which I totally understood. It left me thinking that at least I am carrying the lightest burden and that I don’t have right to be sadder than them, that I am considered half fortunate for that matter. I always thought of them countless times and I always miss them. The people who treated me as their own, I always miss them. My heart really felt tired all over. Most of the times I just can’t stop the urge of tears to fall down from my eyes and I might not need anything but a hug. I do not need someone now, as in being romantically attached, because it will be like continuously asking of me if I’m being good enough. I know it is too good to be true about having someone right now by my side but I guess it will not be conventional. I just hope and pray that I’ll continue in the physique of being strong and mighty with the signature teeth grin because I’m afraid if in being humane for I know I can’t bear all of these.
I am girl that holds everyone together, that tries to help everyone even though I cry myself to sleep. I wish I could be weak but no one ever gave me the option.
And it all boils down to absurdity. But only those who attempt the absurd will achieve the impossible.